Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
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My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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