So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
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Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
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Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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