you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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