I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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