Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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