I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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