Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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