Everything about him screamed your future.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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