yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
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you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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