how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
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Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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