jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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