The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize