If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
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I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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