He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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