I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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