She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize