Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
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Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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