last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
pop tarts are not kleenex
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She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
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I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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