I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
