When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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