My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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