I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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