I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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