God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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