We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
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I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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