Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
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I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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