god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
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let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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