You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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