Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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