So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
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There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I had to cum in my sink.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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