I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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