I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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