Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
