I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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