I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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