The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize