He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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