I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize