Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize