Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
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Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
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Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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