im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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