Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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