is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
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I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
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At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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