Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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