Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
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Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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