Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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