why didn't you poke me back
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
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I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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