The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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