I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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