hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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