Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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